Am I Ready?

I’ve been grappling with this question for some time now. Every time I think I am ready – it seems I am not. By ‘ready’, I mean prepared enough to then have the confidence to excel in an audition (or performance – but for the sake of this blogpost I’m discussing auditions).

Perhaps I am simply not good at auditions. STOP. I don’t like that - seems little defeatist…

I find auditions really, really hard. I did one this week. I travelled to a different country to do it and on the day of the audition I completely over-sang. I was nervous, and, as mentioned in my previous blog post, I have just had something of a vocal-technique overhaul in Turin. So, before the audition, I dutifully went to a warm-up room. I was there over three hours before the audition (first error) and I started working on my technique as I would on a day with no audition (second error). Then when I had a run-through with the accompanist I sang through EACH piece as if it were the audition (third error). Then I had a cup of tea (herbal - no error) and a sit down. Then I did the audition.

It is crystal clear to me why I didn’t sing well having done at least two hours of full singing beforehand.

There are technical ideas that I am using that are new, and even though I now sound more ‘ready’ as a young singer because of them, I don’t believe or trust yet that I will be able to do them if I haven’t ‘checked’ first. I don’t think this is uncommon in young singers, but I’m still frustrated at myself for making the mistake. I am pleased with how the actual performance was in the audition, just not with my use of new technical ideas. I feel like I let myself, and my teacher down. But I also know that it is all trial and error and that you’re allowed to not sing brilliantly if you learn from the experience and realize what you’re doing to do to improve and learn from it.

I am coming to the conclusion that auditions will happen best if you are secure in what you’re going to do. I don’t just mean in whether or not you remember the words and the music. I mean ready in every sense – knowing who you are, what you want to say with the music, what you want to say with the drama, what you are want to say as an artist and that you are ready with your VOICE as a technician as well as a musician. By that I mean being ready so that you only need to vocalise briefly on the day and then sing straight to the panel – sounding completely fresh.

I’ve come to this conclusion before (hence the irritation at my approach this week) and am coming to it again. Even if there are new things to incorporate into my singing I should have trusted that

What are auditions for? Well the panel clearly wish to cast singers in something (production, opera studio, music college) so they want you to do well. They want to hear YOU. Your musicianship, your voice, your interpretation of the pieces. Not too hard? I think nerves come from not being sure. They’re also important as they show that you care (everyone needs some good adrenaline), but they needn’t be debilitating. The way to stop them from becoming so is by being prepared. Maybe I will be ready next time, or maybe I need more time to really let my technique settle so that I have confidence in it before putting myself in front of a panel of people again. I’m not sure.

I’ll only find out by trying!

Change

Change. We need it. Any person looking to improve themselves, grow as a person has to seek out change. Not for the sake of it perhaps, but change that is going to push them to take new steps and test their boundaries. It isn't enough to repeat the same exercises every day, or to always be in the same space even if we feel a gradual improvement. We need fresh air, not only in a literal sense, but to breathe fresh ideas and approaches into ourselves. We will never improve beyond a certain point if we accept the status quo.

I have been glad, and proud, to have stayed in my university city following graduation. I needed the time to cement my technique with my teacher. However, I have accepted that in fact, I'm not going to move past that, if I stay in the current situtation I am in. Not only does this mean leaving my day job, but it means a complete change of scenery. I have needed my teacher and will be eternally grateful for the groundwork that we have put in, but I am aware that I can only stay learning with her if I am prepared to stay living somewhere where I feel trapped as a person. Even though my singing has improved, I feel that it is time to take a leap, be somewhere compeltely different, and push myself more than I am currently. Ask more of myself. Be more than I already am.

At the moment I feel like I have plateaued - although at a higher level to where I was previously - and I want to move past this. I want to get to the point where I take risks and choices in performance that are brave, daring, exciting. I don't want to always be thinking about exactly how to sing a note perfectly, but to think only of what I am saying. I want to think only of the character and the expression of her feelings, and what colour she uses to nuance a phrase. I want to move past what I feel are still the basics and create art. I won't do that by staying still.

I have set down the basic building blocks. I have begun to trust that I will make a particular sound, I have begun to really relish the control that technique has given me. Now it is time to let go of that control, and to do that I am changing. See you down under!

Perchance to dream?

Why is it that we're all taught that dreams can come true in the Disney sense of the word? How can we then keep our feet on the ground, be down-to-earth and maintain a sense of reality? Now call me obtuse but I find the idea of doing both something of a paradox.

Everyday we are confronted with happily-ever-after situations, the belief instilled into us that only through a perfect family and finding a mate, preferably a soulmate, can we find true happiness and contentment (with little concerted effort I might add). It's everywhere; in films, in the media, the online dating machine portrayed as being the perfect way to meet someone, anyone. We see people with high flying careers who perhaps lack this fundamental factor (a significant other), therefore they surely can't be happy? They must be lacking something. Is it really that only through interaction with others that we can find this happiness? We seem to need others to validate our lives when in fact the only true way to happiness is through finding comfort in our own selves.

Vincit qui se vincit.

She conquers who conquers herself.

I feel some affinity to this. And believe and dream that through hardwork and dedication I will develop the artistry that I so crave and aspire to. But now I am stuck, between wanting to be able to dream; to set my sights as high as I am able to imagine and to will myself to get there with all my might, and, at the same time, feeling that I must be humble and honest enough to say that if I do not succeed I will be happy regardless. If I don't succeed will I have failed in conquering myself?

Can dreams can come true? Well, I am not sure it is not enough only to dream; we must strive to succeed with all that we are given. Through that you can make your dreams become part of your reality. In conquering your self and your own misgivings and self-doubts you can let yourself go to do what you wish. Achieve as you will.

Question.

What would you attempt to do, if you knew you could not fail?

The brevity of this post is due to being away from a computer (again) for the weekend. Food for thought.